You get three free downloads a week, and as far as I can see, you get to keep the songs.  The whole time I was browsing the site, I was just in disbelief.  I gasped each time I saw an elusive artist or a song that I had wanted to buy for months.  (I am not a huge fan of spending money.  I still haven’t bought the album that Owl City released last June because I was worried that he would release a deluxe edition as soon as I bought the regular one.)  I’m still kind of expecting that when I log on to iTunes, it will tell me that my rental has expired and I need to give my song back.

Basically, it completely made my night to learn that I could have access to all of this music for completely free.  Then I remembered something else.

The campus ministry I’m in regularly has pizza lunches in the eating area of our student union.  We buy a bunch of boxes of pizza and welcome anyone to eat with us for free.  “The pizza is free because God’s grace is free!” my campus minister often says.

God’s grace is free for me because Jesus paid for my sins.

It’s something that I’ve heard over and over again, growing up in the church, and that I don’t appreciate nearly enough.  It’s a little bit ridiculous that I can get so incredibly excited about getting some free music and just accept getting eternal life as the regular.  I’m grateful, though, for the way that God uses little things like this to remind me.  So now, I turn to His Word, specifically Ephesians 2:

“As for you, you were dead in your transgressions and sins, in which you used to live when you followed the ways of this world and of the ruler of the kingdom of the air, the spirit who is now at work in those who are disobedient. All of us also lived among them at one time, gratifying the cravings of our sinful nature and following its desires and thoughts. Like the rest, we were by nature objects of wrath. But because of his great love for us, God, who is rich in mercy, made us alive with Christ even when we were dead in transgressions—it is by grace you have been saved. And God raised us up with Christ and seated us with him in the heavenly realms in Christ Jesus, in order that in the coming ages he might show the incomparable riches of his grace, expressed in his kindness to us in Christ Jesus. For it is by grace you have been saved, through faith—and this not from yourselves, it is the gift of God— not by works, so that no one can boast.”

Sometimes it takes a little music site to remind me of what’s really important.  The Ephesians passage tells a true story- it really points out what we were, what God was and is, and what we can become through Him.  And while my iPod will pass away, and I’ll probably eventually forget some of the words to the long-treasured song, the love and grace of Jesus will last forever.  And that is pretty amazing.

Also, because I feel the need to sing about everything, all of this brought to mind the hymn “The Love of Christ is Rich and Free.”  =)  It’s little lessons like this that remind me to not get swept up in just the music, but to actually reflect on what I’m singing and to truly understand the words in this song and in the Bible passage above.

The love of Christ is rich and free;
Fixed on His own eternally;
Nor earth, nor hell, can it remove;
Long as He lives, His own He’ll love.

His loving heart engaged to be
Their everlasting Surety;
’Twas love that took their cause in hand,
And love maintains it to the end.

Love cannot from its post withdraw;
Nor death, nor hell, nor sin, nor law,
Can turn the Surety’s heart away;
He’ll love His own to endless day.

Love has redeemed His sheep with blood;
And love will bring them safe to God;
Love calls them all from death to life;
And love will finish all their strife.

He loves through every changing scene,
Nor aught from Him can Zion wean;
Not all the wanderings of her heart
Can make His love for her depart.

Love cannot from its post withdraw;
Nor death, nor hell, nor sin, nor law,
Can turn the Surety’s heart away;
He’ll love His own to endless day.

At death, beyond the grave, He’ll love;
In endless bliss, His own shall prove
The blazing glory of that love
Which never could from them remove.

Which never could from them remove.

She said, he said, live like no tomorrow

Everyday we borrow brings us

One step closer to the edge. Infinity.

Where’s your treasure, where’s your hope, 

If you get the world and lose your soul?

She pretends like she pretends like

she’s immortal.

Don’t say so long, and throw yourself wrong

This could be your big chance to make-up

Today will soon be

Gone, like yesterday is gone

Like history is gone

The world keeps spinning on

You’re going, going,

Gone, like summer break is gone,

Like Saturday is gone

Just try and prove me wrong and

pretend like you’re immortal.

… Life is a day that doesn’t last for long.

There are a lot of things that I could say about this song, but I chose to include it today because it connects well with something that I’ve been thinking a lot about as I get ready to start my last-ever semester of college.  Change.  And what that implies for the people who are in my life for whatever length of time.

When I look at mental (and physical) images of freshman year, and compare them with images of senior year, I can’t help but notice that some things are missing.  Two of my dearest friends from school graduated in December.  Another friend passed away last June.  Thinking enough about losing the others in the freshman crew easily sets me off into tears.  I’ve been incredibly blessed to be around such amazing people, but thinking of how relationships change reminded me that when we’re told “there is a time for everything,” we need to remember that our time with people is limited, too.

I’ve mentioned before, I believe in my very first post, that exchanges of any length can be opportunities to show Christ’s love.  For example, I try not to glare at other drivers while I’m on the road- you never know what kind of day they’re having, or what role they might play in your life later, etc.

In case you were getting the idea that I’m this wonderful little person who trots around sharing joy and love with every single person she sees, let me quickly tell you that this is not true.  Sometimes one’s facial muscles react before the brain, as one’s tongue often has a habit of doing.  Sometimes- often- I sit there and think “I should really go say hi to so-n-so and see how they’re doing.  But, but- oh, I should really do it”‘ and then the window of opportunity closes.  It’s something that I’m praying about and working on, and not only in brief exchanges.  Even the people who it seems like will be around me forever, like my family and my best friends of a decade or so, should not be taken for granted, not only in the sense that I should be grateful for them, but I should be grateful for opportunities to serve and love them, too.

I’m praying that God opens my eyes to all of those around me, and gives me the courage to love them as He would.  Not many things are forever.

Unfortunately, “thinking about the future” often just translates to “sitting and worrying.”  The HSM soundtrack conveys this well, with plenty of heartfelt songs about indecision, conflicting opinions, and fears, but it also slows down for a song called “Right Here, Right Now.”

Oh we know it’s coming, and it’s coming fast

So let’s make each second last, make it last

Right here, right now

I’m looking at you and my heart loves the view, ’cause you mean everything

Right here, I promise you somehow

That tomorrow can for wait for some other day to be

‘Cause right now there’s you and me

T & G are singing about each other here, but in looking at the lyrics, I’m reminded of my relationship with God and certain Psalms.  One of my favorite passages from the Psalms comes from the 73rd and says

“Yet I am always with You,

You hold me by my right hand.

You guide me with Your counsel,

and afterward You will take me into glory.

Whom have I in heaven but You?

And earth has nothing I desire besides You.

My heart and my flesh may fail,

but God is the strength of my heart

and my portion forever.”

And later in the New Testament, we’re told to make the most of every opportunity but to not worry about tomorrow (each day has enough worries of its own).

The idea here isn’t to stop what I’m doing and hope the future won’t come as quickly because I’m singing about my feelings.  It’s to be more aware of what I’m doing in this moment and how I can serve and love God and others in this moment.  In “The Screwtape Letters,” C.S. Lewis mentions how people often get so caught up in fears about hypothetically doing something wrong in the future that they forget that their sitting and worrying about it right now is doing something wrong in the present!

Planning is important, but let’s be honest- at this point, I’m just stopping and thinking “I’ve done everything I can to be prepared for X and I just can’t handle sitting and waiting!  God, what if Y happens?  Or what if Q happens?!  I hadn’t thought of Q  before!!!” (where Q is some far-off possibility about which I can do nothing right now)

Right here, right now.  Am I fearing, doubting, and forgetting to cast my cares on God?  Or am I learning to wait in peace, to yield control to God, and to truly rest in and trust Him?  I’m praying that I’ll do much more of the second than the first, even during trying times.

1.) Be more serious about my devotional time.  I feel like this is the Christian version of “exercise more.”  We all say it and it’s just a matter of actually doing it and continuing to do it.

2.) Write my Compassion child more often.  To learn more about Compassion International and how you can sponsor a child, click here.  I’m so blessed to partake in Compassion sponsorship and adore my little girl.

3.) Be more aware of my surroundings.  I got a lot better at this when I moved to a city with regular crime alerts (they’re less frequent now), but this time I mean to be more aware of the people around me and how I can serve them.

All of my resolutions are made with my true purpose in mind.  I’m here to love God and serve Him.  One Bible passage that especially motivates me comes from Ephesians 5: “Be imitators of God, therefore, as dearly loved children and live a life of love, just as Christ loved us and gave himself up for us as a fragrant offering and sacrifice to God.”  I also frequently turn to Romans 12.

I encourage you to share your resolutions as well and to continue to share them with others as new ones comes to mind over the year.  There’s a reason that we’re all parts of the body of Christ- to hold one another accountable and encourage each other as we go down a difficult road.  May God bless your new year!

2011 wasted no time in finishing itself up quickly and hurrying to curtain.  I keep marveling at how quickly time is passing.  With several friends already graduated, and some even engaged or married, it’s still hard to believe that it’s all happened, much less that it’s all happened so fast.

When my mind finally stops spinning (or at least slows down), I find myself wondering where I fit into all of this.  So, God, am I on track?  Should I have done X by now?   What’s coming next?  Is there anyway I can see some sort of timeline, or…

Multiple times, I’ve just sat back and said out loud, “God, I have no idea of what’s going on.”

I know what I want.  I know what I’ve prayed and asked God for, and I know some things about God.  I know that He loves me, that He’s perfect, that He’s saved me, that He empowers me, that He’s just, that He knows what’s coming next, and that He’ll never leave me, among other things.

But I have yet to know what my personal timeline is, and I’ve got a good hunch that I’m not going to see one except in retrospect.

So 2012 and all of the changes and potential dreams it brings are rushing in.  I’m just a girl clinging to her Heavenly Daddy’s hand and trying (but definitely failing right now) to walk confidently forward.  Sometimes I’m stubbornly digging in my heels but being dragged along anyway.  Sometimes as I’m being dragged, I’m just sitting back and sobbing, trying to grasp at things I’m leaving behind but being pressed forward nonetheless.  Sometimes- rarely- I’m right in stride, with a “BRING IT” look on my face.

No matter what your attitude is toward the new year, or change in general, it’s my prayer that we can embrace the future with joy and excitement.  We know where we are now, and we know the very end of the story, but we’ve little clue of what happens between the two.  I’m glad Someone is much more aware.  As Psalm 146 says, “Blessed are those whose help is the God of Jacob, whose hope is in the LORD their God.  He is the Maker of heaven and earth, the sea, and everything in them- He remains faithful forever.”

I feel that I should add here that I don’t think we need to just helplessly float along until the end, saying we have no control anyway.  We’ve got a lot of tasks to do.  We’re called to love, serve, and represent Christ.  We’re called to pursue our spiritual gifts.  We’re told to love those around us and spread the gospel.

Oh, Lord, please help us to make the most of this time that You’ve given us, whether we’re overwhelmingly aware of a rush of changes or not.  Thank You for Your word and the truths that we find there of Your love and provision, and please continue to remind us of these things.  Thank You for bringing us through this year, and Your will be done in the one to come.

Happy New Year, everyone!
p.s.  For less stream-of-consciousness-based “years’ end” posts, or just to see my previous thoughts, feel free to read the last December posts from 2009 and 2010. =)

I’m not sure how important it is, though, that “Jingle Bells” be constantly in my head right now.  Perhaps the definition of “Christmas” that first comes to mind is that of the “Happy Holiday.”  I didn’t realize until a few friends wished me a “Merry Christmas” how relieved and joyful I was to finally hear someone unashamedly talking about this time as the advent season- when Christ came to us.  That joy and thankfulness that our Savior came for us is something that we have year round!

That said, I’m so glad we have time set apart to really think about the coming of Christ, and I’m sorry that I haven’t been able to make it to more advent services this year (the church I attend lit advent candles and read a related Bible verse, but the sermons weren’t necessarily focused on those early parts of the gospels).  I have encountered a few passages in my Bible reading from throughout the Word that have been encouraging throughout this hustle and bustle of a time in reminding me of what I’ll be celebrating in a few days and of this amazing gift’s application to my life today.

Here are some of them now:

“For God did not send His Son into the world to condemn the world, but to save the world through Him.  Whoever believes in Him is not condemned, but whoever does not believe stands condemned already because he has not believed in the name of God’s one and only Son.  This is the verdict: Light has come into the world, but men loved darkness instead of light because their deeds were evil.  Everyone who does evil hates the light, and will not come into the light for fear that his deeds will be exposed.  But whoever lives by the truth comes into the light, so that it may be seen plainly that what he has done has been done through God.”

- John 3:17-21

“A voice of one calling: 

‘In the desert prepare 
   the way for the LORD; 
make straight in the wilderness 
   a highway for our God. 
Every valley shall be raised up, 
   every mountain and hill made low; 
the rough ground shall become level, 
   the rugged places a plain. 
And the glory of the LORD will be revealed, 
   and all mankind together will see it. 
            For the mouth of the LORD has spoken.’

A voice says, ‘Cry out.’ 
   And I said, ‘What shall I cry?’

   ‘All men are like grass, 
   and all their glory is like the flowers of the field. 

The grass withers and the flowers fall, 
   because the breath of the LORD blows on them. 
   Surely the people are grass. 
The grass withers and the flowers fall, 
   but the word of our God stands forever.’”

Isaiah 40:3-8

“Therefore, just as sin entered the world through one man, and death through sin, and in this way death came to all men, because all sinned— for before the law was given, sin was in the world. But sin is not taken into account when there is no law. Nevertheless, death reigned from the time of Adam to the time of Moses, even over those who did not sin by breaking a command, as did Adam, who was a pattern of the one to come.

But the gift is not like the trespass. For if the many died by the trespass of the one man, how much more did God’s grace and the gift that came by the grace of the one man, Jesus Christ, overflow to the many! Again, the gift of God is not like the result of the one man’s sin: The judgment followed one sin and brought condemnation, but the gift followed many trespasses and brought justification. For if, by the trespass of the one man, death reigned through that one man, how much more will those who receive God’s abundant provision of grace and of the gift of righteousness reign in life through the one man, Jesus Christ.”

- Romans 5:12-17

And no matter what you’re doing in three days, I pray that you’re able to take time to truly meditate on the incomprehensibly valuable gift of Christ’s coming down to us.  Merry Christmas and happy New Year!

Today, I’d like to remind you of God’s goodness to us right now. I think it’s often after we get the job, or pass the test, or get the answer we wanted that we remember, “Oh YEAH! God was looking out for me.” But faith is being sure of what you hope for- it’s remembering now that God loves us and has a good plan. In fact, the passage below is full of the present tense- “we are not consumed,” for instance.

So while we’re still waiting, while we’re still working, let’s “call to mind, and therefore… have hope:

Because of the Lord’s great love we are

not consumed,

for His compassions never fail.

They are new every morning;

great is Your faithfulness.

I say to myself, ‘The Lord is my

portion;

therefore I will wait for Him.’”

- Lamentations 3:21-24

“Well, find a way to do it.”

This is the internal dialogue that basically sums up some of the more intense environments that I’ve worked in.  Everything just fell apart and it’s not working?  Make it work.  Get the job done.  (“The Devil Wears Prada,” anyone?)

With the end of the semester coming around, I’ve been thinking a good deal about why we work so hard as a culture.  I recently stayed up until the wee hours of a morning editing a video that was supposed to be played at an event later the same day.  When I learned that there might not be time for the video to be shown, I was a little bit devastated.  “All for naught!” the dramatic voice in my head cried.  “I could have done X and Q and P!”

But later, I got to thinking.  A speaker at a retreat I attended once pointed out that service lasts only as long as the kingdom for which the service is done.

The window of the video’s relevance was about 84 hours.

I’ve spent hours filling up bunches of water balloons for a camp activity, just for that little kingdom to literally explode in about five minutes and leave us with very wet, but cheerful, children.

Even any after-effects of those events- the laughs that the video might summon on someone’s rough day, or the memories a child had- may only last as long as those people’s lives do.

But by this logic, service to God’s kingdom is eternal, just as the kingdom is.

It makes sense, then, that Jesus tells us to “seek first His kingdom and His righteousness.” Then “all these things will be given to you as well.”

We’re called to worship and glorify God with our lives, so basically any moment can be lasting and relevant service to Him.  Thinking about the time and effort I dedicate to so many of my other activities, with effects that I might be able to see right away, but that I also see fade, it makes working for the glory of my never-fading Savior all the more valuable.

This is certainly not to discount the value of little acts of service- as I said before, many can double as service to God, depending on what it is and how it’s approached.  I, for one, very much hope to be filling up hundreds of water balloons for the seventh summer in a row come July 2012.  But I also very much hope that each of the kids who slide their hands into the water bucket to grab a balloon, and who look around disappointedly when the bucket is empty in what feels like seconds, know that we put this much into planning activities for them because we love them and we love Jesus.

I very much hope that my moments of sadness and struggle can encourage others or teach me an important lesson.  I very much hope that my education prepares me well to reach and serve others, particularly the underserved, during my career, and that God can use me in the lives of my peers and classmates.

It’s amazing to have a very great hope in Christ and to know that this life is worthwhile.

I’m thankful for the man in the post office who didn’t laugh at me when I yelled “DOLLARS?!” when I realized the cost he was talking about for mailing a package overnight was not in cents.

I’m thankful for my connections on campus that allow me to waltz (sometimes literally) into a lab or office and feel completely at home.

I’m thankful that when I get angsty, Relient K has just the song for me, and

I’m thankful that I have roommates who don’t mind when I sing out my feelings in the shower.

I’m thankful for modern medicine.  I’m also thankful for modern medicine that helps you out when you have an allergic reaction to other modern medicine.

I’m thankful for my friends’ talents.  It’s nice to look up from something you’re absolutely overwhelmed by and see your friend completely randomly playing bass guitar, and being quite good at it.  And having another friend suddenly realize that her vocal range was greater than previously realized.

I’m thankful for the way I “happened” to grab a black pen on my way out the door on the day when I’d need to write something in black pen when I normally only write in blue.

It’s been blowing my mind a little lately how God works in our lives.  This is not to say that I have not been running around like a crazy person trying to get my grad school applications ready, work on a photojournalism project, study for classes, etc. etc.  This is not to say that I haven’t cried out in frustration.  This is to say that there’s a comfort in knowing that God hasn’t changed- just as He worked it out before, He can work it out again.  There’s direct parallels, like the way that I went to the college at the bottom of my list, which turned out to be the best of the schools that I applied to in terms of preparing me for what I realized I wanted to be my career.  It would be pretty unfortunate if I’d majored in English, like I’d planned to at other schools, and applied for Journalism jobs to find that it wasn’t what I intended and I really just wanted to work with and help children and their families.  But then there’s the little things that happen in each day- how a recommendation letter arrived in the mail at just the right time, how my roommate happened to be giving away a bunch of delicious honey crisp apples in the week that I was out of grab-and-run-out-of-the-door fruits and out of time to stop at the student union for a meal.

The people and organizations in my life are amazing.  They’re very understanding.  But even so, they often don’t recognize the impact they’re having.  They don’t know that their timing couldn’t have been better, perhaps because it’s not really their timing.

I guess what I’m saying is: I’m thankful for the amazing community both in and outside of the body of Christ.  And I’m thankful for the King and Lord that runs the whole show.

1.)  my relationship with my amazing, beautiful, incredible, holy, eternal God

6.) my church family

7.) my friendships outside of the church

12.) beauty

20.) love

29.) smiles

36.) Relient K

37.) C.S. Lewis

42.) waking up this morning alive and well, with Your spirit within me

61.) learning from my pain and my mistakes

66.) the way I am so very easily amused and made happy.

67.) long car rides with my friends

76.) people who are talented in things that I am not

83.) the complex infrastructure known as the female mind

88.) hugs from children that are really them just wrapping their arms around your knees

97.) that there are people whose arms I can run into and feel completely at home

105.) hymns

106.) elegance

118.) successful marriages

119.) having laughed so hard that I’ve cried

136.) jumping, safely, off of really high things, so that you almost feel like you’re flying

152.) apple muffins.  and blueberry muffins.

158.) sentences that you can’t finish because you’re laughing so hard

166.) that I haven’t been desensitized a very great deal; that I can still cry over Beth’s death in Little Women and be horrified by graphic violence

179.) feeling beautiful

194.) that strength is found in weakness, peace in incompleteness; that beauty can be found in the broken; that ashes can shine like chrome

200.) being able to look at the future, see only murkiness, and know that my Best Friend knows *exactly* what is going to happen and that He is working it all

203.) that I tried to stop making this list at 200, but couldn’t resist continuing

207.) my family who’s not really my biological family, but may as well be

223.) prayer- that we can talk to God

These are just a few excerpts from a “Gratitude List” that I keep.  I just sat down one day and wrote down everything that I could think of that I was thankful for, and the list just kept growing and growing.  I really encourage you to make your own!  It’s something wonderful to look back on, and add to, from time to time.  How blessed we are because of Christ!

Happy Thanksgiving, everyone!