“Heavens Up Above, Way Above”
No chilling winds nor poisonous breath
Can reach that healthful shore.
Sickness, sorrow, pain and death
Are felt and feared no more.
I am bound, I am bound, I am bound for promised land.
I sang those lyrics tonight while worshipping with a wonderful campus ministry and shortly afterwards, completely lost it. I can be very emotional- it doesn’t take much for me to cry. A few days ago I broke down watching a video of a marriage proposal by a friend’s coworker. I don’t even know those people! When I have these (sometimes ridiculous) breakdowns, I try to pinpoint why it is that I’m crying. Sometimes I have no clue. Sometimes I’m just really, really happy. Sometimes I’m just really, really sad.
Sometimes it’s a combination. In those sorts of times, I need to just sob it out. I need to think things through and gather myself.
Here’s what I think got me today.
During my freshman year, I was part of a little group of friends that hung out constantly. We all moved to different places the next year and saw each other significantly less often, but every time one red-headed, Hawaiian shirt-wearing, orange soda-drinking friend from that group saw me around campus, he would greet me with a huge smile, a large shout of “MA-RISS-A!!!!” and a hug that lifted me off the ground. On June 29, 2011, he died.
It’s weird mourning someone hilarious. I would tell someone that a friend of mine had passed away, and then be overheard laughing hysterically ten minutes later as I recollected something he’d said or done. The only times I cry are when I think about how I’m not going have surprise visits with him, or about all of the good things that he could have gone on to do, or when I think about how he just might be someplace where sickness, sorrow, pain, and death are felt and feared no more.
I cry with joy.
This world is so disgustingly broken. Death can be painful for both the person who leaves and those who remain. I can’t definitively speak for anyone else’s relationship with Christ, but if, as I think and hope, he is in heaven now, he’s completely free from that. He’s with God in all of His perfection. I’m so happy for him, and happy that I have the same to look forward to.
I cry with sadness.
I’m still here. I miss him. I somehow miss the perfect place where I have never been.
I cry with joy.
My own brokenness- my discontent, my jealousy, my pain, my sorrow- is not all there is. The brokenness of the world- the famines, the destroyed relationships, the lies, the hatred- is not the end. We have a hope for something so much greater. And though I don’t know when I’ll get there, there are so many lights in the dark world around me. I am blessed by my relationship with Christ, more than I can possibly explain, and by the family, friends, miracles, and joy He has put around me. I can go from crying with sadness/joy by myself to enjoying time with people I love. I have a purpose in this life and a goal to press on toward.
I’m still feeling the sickness, sorrow, pain and death. I just got off an antibiotic for an infection; I just cried today; I’ve been emotionally hurt, and that infection was painful (hence the antibiotics); and this whole discussion is partially because of the death of a friend. I’m working on not fearing them, but I feel them.
Still, praise the Lord,
I am bound. I am bound. I am bound for the promised land.
